FFF – 4-20

I found my scale – yay!  Sadly, i don’t think i lost any weight – or maybe half a pound.  This is particularly sad because i’ve added more activity and for a while was eating less.  Sigh.  Life is just not fair.

On the other hand, my step count is good!  The week we moved, I got over 61,000 steps!  Since that’s an average of over 8,500 steps/day, and my goal was set for 7,000, my Fitbit kept telling me i was an overachiever, which made me laugh.   But i was on vacation then, and moving, so i think it will be more of a challenge to hit my 7,000 goal this week.

I’m not doing terribly with food, and my daily levels aren’t bad, but i don’t feel great about my relationship with food either.  I am still in that “food as reward” mind set so when i don’t get my daily quota of treat foods, i feel deprived and have to make up for it later.  This is not a sustainable model.  I’m at a point in my life that dieting is not the answer.  I need to permanently change my relationship with food.  (i know, i keep saying that and not doing it.)

I found this on FB today – it expresses the change i want to make.*

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It’s not the first time i’ve become aware that this is the change i need.  So if i’m even halfway serious about it, i need to start to practice it.  Sigh.  More mindful eating,   Not casting care to the winds and cramming that one treat in.  Savoring. Enjoying.  Contemplating my choices.

Right now, sitting here at 730 a.m., it seems easy.  Very zen – and i can feel my spirit affirming the desire to do this.  i know how to eat mindfully and i know how much more satisfying it is than eating mindlessly.  Right now, i could easily do it.

But by dinner time?  No.  Then i feel this semi-frenzied sense of being  perched precariously on the verge of starvation.  As if i’m going to collapse right there on the spot if i don’t get just the right food and plenty of it.   Even though there is exactly no chance of that happening.

What is that?  What happens between right now and then that throws me into such a state?  And how do i quit doing it?

Ok, anyhow, i have continued to organize my stuff a little bit, but we’ve had people – electricians, plumbers, and a carpenter – working on the house all week, so there are lots of boxes that i can’t empty yet.  It will all get better once our closet gets built.  Or i won’t have a good excuse for it  not getting better… how ever that works.

i did tell MP that i was going to a munch one of these days.  We were in the car, on the way home from dinner.  He said, “Oh, I didn’t know they had those here.”

I looked at him, a bit surprised – why would he think they didn’t?  But i just said, “Yeah, they do.  Wow, look at that sunset.”

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And that was that.

When it’s time for me to go, if he wants to come with me, i will say no.  If he wants to go to munches and get involved in the lifestyle, he can take the initiative and do some research himself.  He’s on Fetlife.  It’s not up to me to make arrangements for him to go.  He can’t frigging tag along with me.  No.

I felt better once i made that decision.  Now it’s up to me to follow through.

 

*If you couldn’t see the meme, here’s what it said:

Diet Mindset vs Intuitive Eating

How to flip the script and break free of diet mentality

Can I have this? vs Do I want this?

How do I look? vs How do I feel?

How much food do I get today?  vs  How much food do I need today?

Will this make me skinny?  vs  Will this nourish me?

I exercise so I can eat  vs  I eat so i can exercise

I can eat whatever I want on my cheat day vs I can eat whatever I want every day

Food is my worst enemy and my favorite reward  vs  Food is just food.

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Pondering on Day 7; The Vacation Continues

Yes, today is actually Day 10 of my vacation, with tomorrow being the very last day.  But I started this post on Day 7.  Back on Thursday, I wrote:

I did go to the beach for a walk yesterday, and then had a lovely evening with my friend, although we skipped yoga.  Maybe next time.  Instead, we ate sushi and had a beer – that’s kind of like yoga, right?

I ran across this on Facebook today:

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It says that the Greeks had six words for love, and defines them.  Full disclosure – one of the first comments on the FB post was by someone with a Greek sounding name.  They said that half of this is bullshit not true.  He didn’t say exactly which half, but that’s ok. I know that Eros is accurate, and Agape love is a thing.  I know they had a word for friendship love, although I don’t know that it was Philia.  The rest of them may be imaginary – but that’s ok.  If they don’t exist – they should.

So the meme has:

Eros – which is sexual desire and passion.  Erotic love.  We are all familiar with that one, named after Eros, the son of Aphrodite, goddess of sexual love and beauty.  His father might have been Zeus, Ares, or Hermes.  Hmmmm, I didn’t learn that in my childhood book of mythology.

Philia – which it describes as deep loyalty to friends.  Good says it’s friendship and affection, so that sounds right.  But it’s also the word that denotes an “abnormal love for an object or thing” – what we often call fetishes.  Most notably pedophilia, not to be confused with podophilia, which is love of feet or  bibliophilia, love of books.  But I digress.  “Philia” is also friendship or affection for friends.

Ludos – they define as “Playful Love.”  This one, based on my initial, brief google search, was completely made up.  No such word as “ludos.” But then i saw a Psychology Today article that also talks about types of love and ludic was one.  Of course, it could still be totally made up.  Anyhow.  It’s non-committed love – flirting, dancing, sex without strings.

Agape – Love for everyone.   This one is pretty commonly known and talked about in some religious congregations – considered “God-like” love – often meaning not sexual or romantic.  I experience as that rush of love one gets sometimes when you’re with a group of people when you feel a sense of belonging and connection.

Pragma -Like pragmatic, right?  The meme says “developed over time,” Other sources say it is practical, mutually beneficial love, with low sexual intensity.  Lots of relationships like this.

Philautia– Described as “taking care of self,” but it’s actually self-love, so it can be healthy or unhealthy.  At it’s worst, it’s hubris, or excessive pride – thinking that the rules don’t apply to you, a kind of narcissistic specialness that inflates self.  Of course that’s not really “love” at all in my book, but that’s one way to look at it.

At the healthy end is self-esteem and self-care (which is not self-indulgence, but a radical act of love involving self- discipline.)

Storge (pronounced Store-gay) is a 7th type of love, found in Psychology Today, but of course it wouldn’t have fit in the meme.  This kind is familial love, particularly a parent’s love for their children, which is not unilateral but also “fondness bred out of need or familiarity.”  Which could overlap with Pragma, right?

In fact many of the types have overlap, blend or can morph into one another.  You can start with Luidic love, move into erotic, and wind up in Pragma or Storge.  You could start with pragma or agape and move through Eros.  All kinds of possibilities.  i know in my relationship with MP,  we went from Eros to some mix of Philia or Storge, with a touch of Pragma.

So what am i looking for in a Dom?  Eros?  I don’t know – that doesn’t seem quite right.  How do you describe the love a submissive has for her Dom – is it one of the above?  Is it the same as any other relationship, or is it different?

Goodreads has 65,087 quotes about love.  2,202 are tagged self-love.  Including this one:

“Dare to love yourself
as if you were a rainbow
with gold at both ends.”

― Aberjhani

 

 

FFF – 4-13

Reporting in – my scale is still in a box somewhere, one of the 3 or 4 left that say “Bathroom.”  We’re losing some bathroom space in this move, which is why one reason everything is not unpacked yet.  Also because there are a million boxes. Ok, not a million – but honestly 100.  I know because they’re numbered.

I think i might have lost a pound – i’m not over-eating and i’m getting a lot more movement in my life.  But who knows.

Regardless, i’m feeling good.  Physically, just more comfortable and – stretched out, i guess.

Oh – step count!   Last week, i did a little bit over 35,000 – which is considerably better than the week before, when I only did about 28,000.  So i’ve gone from an average of 4,000/day to an average of about 5,000.  Woohooo!  But i’m killing ’em this week, just wait for next week’s results!  Oh, course the real challenge will be to see if i can keep it up once i’m back at work, but no point in crossing bridges this far ahead of time.

As for organizing stuff- omg, that’s really the main thing i’m doing!

For fun- yesterday, i had my sister and brother-in-law over for dinner – take-in, seafood, of course.   Grilled shrimp and grilled flounder.  About one-fourth of a baked potato and half a hush puppy.  (Which we were just talking about over at Jz’s place!  Hush puppies, that is.)

Started a blog post yesterday, but didn’t get around to finishing it.  Maybe tomorrow.   Still reading and enjoying Jane YellowRock.

And that’s it!   Goal for today is to replace all the contact paper and unpack the kitchen.  Going out for brunch with my sister this morning – sunrise on the beach tomorrow – this is the life!

Day Six of My Vacation

Day SIX???  HOW can it be day six?  I don’t feel 6 days worth of vacated — I mean, vacationed.  This is hump day for my vacation too – 5 days before, 5 days left after today.

Ok, no point in bemoaning the end while I’m in the middle.  Yesterday, i spent most of the day working on getting the last items out of the apartment and unpacking enough that we can live in the house.  Um, barely live.  But still…  Also arranging and rearranging furniture.  No coffee shop for me.  Had a late lunch with MP that was pretty delicious though, so that was nice.

And then – last night, when I was just too tired to  open/move/decide one more thing – i treated myself to Skinwalker, first book in the Jane Yellowrock series that Jz mentioned.    It is just as lovely as Jz suggested that it might be.  So that was my big pleasure yesterday – discovering a whole new series, available in seconds on my lovely Kindle.  Read just long enough that I couldn’t keep my eyes open one more second, and stumbled off to bed.

Today I’ll be unpacking and cleaning and putting away for the most part.  This evening, I’m going to a yoga class with my one friend here – one and only, so far.  But that’s exciting.  AND if the sun comes out and it warms up like they’re promising, I’m going to try to slip away for a beach walk.  We’ll see.

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Moving Day at Last!

Finally.  When I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be in the new house.  Yikes.  And I won’t have internet.  Booo.  So I know my treat tomorrow will be going to my favorite cafe and getting on-line.

In keeping with my effort to make sure i do something for myself everyday, i looked at the list of 100 Pleasurable Activities for Adults and got some ideas from that.  That was kind of fun all by itself.  And I danced yesterday, just in the living room, amid the 100 boxes.  Chuck Berry and the Twist – which, just for the record, I was still a child when that came out.  But I can still do the twist.  Maybe not as well as I once did.

And I committed a radical act of rebellion.  Brace yourselves.  I changed the steps goal on my Fitbit.  Yes, i really did.  10,000 steps just seems ridiculously unlikely to me – even yesterday, when i was moving around almost all day, i wasn’t even close.  Remember, my average last week was only about 4,000 steps /day.  What are the chances that i’m going to do 2 and a half times that many today and most days?  Slim to none.  So I changed it to 7,000 steps.  That’s still a stretch, but not utterly out of reach.  I’ll keep it at 7,000 for a month and then raise the bar if appropriate.  (Which, for some reason, makes me think about doing the Limbo and shades of my youth.  You know, lowering the bar…  I was going to add a picture for that, but the images were almost all of people who looked like they were drinking.  A lot.  Maybe there’s a reason for that.)

Anyhow.

In other news, i think my Chakras are probably a bit unbalanced, but i’m not sure yet what to do about it.  i think my Sacral Chakra is overactive, my heart Chakra might be a bit overactive, and my Third Eye Chakra might be underactive.  But it’s not so much that there needs to be balance between, or among, them.  Each one needs to be in its own balance. Lots to think about and explore here.

Ok.  Time to get to work.  Good times ahead…

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Vacay Day 2

Yesterday, i got lots of packing done, which is good, and felt good.  Then i read an entire book in the Alpha and Omega series.  This is a 5 book series (so far) connected to the Mercy Thompson series that Jz referenced.  i just re-read the whole series – Mercy included – as a prelude to the last book that was just released.  It was lovely.

Friday night, we went out as planned with my sister and her husband, but my new (and only) friend i’ve made here came too – and we had a really wonderful time.   She’s funny and smart and sensitive and has some wisdom of her own.  She and my sister hit it off, MP likes her, it was a blast.

Today is the final packing day, and we’ll probably move some stuff to the new place ahead of time.  i have no idea what i’ll do for myself today – but i’m sure i’ll figure something out.

i’m intrigued by some articles on Chakras that fondles posted links to on her blog – maybe doing something with that is on my agenda for today.  I did the meditation exercise they describe, but am not sure i really got in touch with my Chakras.  I’ve been trying to think of a the best (easiest) way to record some brief meditations like that, so i can do them without having to stop and read what comes next.  I think i could just do it on Photo Booth (on my Mac) but am not sure how to store them for easy access.  Plus, I’d really like to just have audio, I don’t need a video of me doing it.

Anyhow.  That would be kind of fun and maybe there will be a chance – maybe I’ll carve out time  – to play with that later.

In other news, next Sunday there’s a munch – well, they call it a “social” here – but it’s a dinner gathering of kinky folks.   You have to go to one of these to be able to go to a play party.  The price of going is that i’ll have to have the long postponed chat with MP.   This isn’t the last chance to do it, it’s kind of the first.  But it might be the right time to bite the bullet and do it.  We’ll see.

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FFF – 4-6

My scale is packed – i don’t know if i lost, gained, or stayed the same.  Stay tuned til next week for any big announcements on that!

I’m only part way through the week with my Fitbit so i’m going to be reporting the step count from last week each time i check in.  The count for the week was just a little bit under 30,000, which means I only averaged a little bit over 4,000 steps per day.  i think that’s kind of pathetic, but when you factor in that i have a very sedentary job – well, it is what it is.  It’s good to have a low baseline, and i can still improve this week.

FWIW, there’s almost no clutter in my life at the moment.  Um, yeah, it’s all in boxes.  Except for my super messy desk, which is going to be a last minute thing.

The best thing to report is that six days out of the last seven my glucose readings have all been in the normal range.  That’s taking them at different times each day, so that’s good.  The one that was too high was clearly the result of some over-indulgence, and even it wasn’t too terrible.

Ok, whew, report done.

And i’m on vacation. Sing it, opera style:  Vaaaaa-caaaaa-tionnnn!!  Hit a high note on that last syllable.  There ya go! Or you could do it like the figaro-figaro-figaro song.  You know, from the opera Figaro.  If you don’t know what I mean, youtube it.  Figaro’s Aria, about the 3 minute mark.

I went to look it up and discovered with some sense of dismay that i know a whole bunch of those opera songs.  Funiculi Funicula for one, which just made me giggle.  I could sing “Vacation” to that tune too.  AND i know La Donna e Mobile!   i think – i guess my mother used to play them?  Or sing them?  I don’t really know the words to them – ok, sometimes the refrain.  Not the verses.  But I sure know the music and the feel of them.  Which is probably not so weird – except i didn’t quite realize it.

Anyhow.

I’m beginning to think about what  i want to do with this time off work, other than moving stuff.  i suggested to MP that we go somewhere out of town this weekend – there are a couple of place under two hours away that would be fun – but he doesn’t want to do that.  “First weekend in our new home…”  So ok.

But i really don’t want to spend all my time doing the necessary and mundane.  Clearly it will be up to me to craft a plan that works for me.  i challenge myself now to do at least one thing that is just for me every day.

This is Day One.  I’m going to get my hair done – that counts I think – and going out with my sister and brother-in-law for a while tonight.  MP will join us when he can.  Mabye tomorrow i’ll make a list of things to consider in making my plans – things i would enjoy.  Maybe i’ll write some erotica.  Definitely going to walk on the beach more than once.  Maybe do something else with my sister.   Maybe…

{Wanders off thinking of all the pleasures ahead…}