FFF- 3-9-18

Well, here we go.  Still eating well.    Yes!

Still not meeting my movement goals.

Might have lost a pound.  At least, it looks like I’ve lost about 3 1/2 all together.

Haven’t sorted anything – in fact, I am less organized than ever.  😦

So it occurs to me that my goals are strictly aspirational and maybe not goals at all.  What’s the difference you say?  From this blog I found this definition:

GOAL:  The object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result.

ASPIRATION:  A hope or ambition of achieving something.

He goes on to say:

Breaking it down further we see the differences really start to emerge.  Goals are objective, measurable, a tangible target to shoot for.  Aspiration is similar in that it describes a desired future state.  However, that is where the similarity ends with the tests of an aspiration being typically subjective, unmeasurable, and intangible.

Goals are closely linked to the HOW

      • unemotional
      • scientific
      • fact based

Aspirations are closely tied to the WHY

      • emotional
      • whimsical
      • feelings based.

Recently, in my work life, I’ve heard people talk about aspirational goals, and kind of thought that was what they meant, but it’s nice to see it spelled out.    So I aspire to be a healthy, slim, flexible person with a neat and organized house.

Ok, so I created some goals that will theoretically get me there.  Our non-kinky blogger says:


Yes. So I guess i do have some goals to support my aspiration.   And don’t think this means I’m giving up – I’m really not. I’m just acknowledging that right now my goals are more aspirational than not.  I’ll get there.  My last doctor’s appointment (yesterday) went well and “my numbers” look good, so that’s still my accomplishment for this week – and good enough.


Most of my life, i aspired to live near the ocean – and look!  Here i am!  Once i really decided to do it, i just kept moving in this direction until i got here.  i think it will be the same with these goals.  We’ll see.

And stay tuned – tomorrow, i’ll be back to answering questions.




Some Big Questions Answered – from Ancilla

Ancilla ksst asked:

Are you married?  Nope.  Been married twice – once for 17 years, once for 3.  Can’t imagine ever doing that again.

Do you have a D/s relationship? I got the impression that it ended, is that right? But are you still together or single? How long did the D/s relationship last?  I did have a D/s relationship – it started about 6 years ago and lasted maybe 2 years, maybe a little bit longer.  I had a different blog then, and started this one when I had totally accepted that he and I were not going to have a D/s element to our relationship again.   We are still in a relationship – we live together and are very fond of each other, but it won’t ever be what it was or what I once thought it was going to be.

What did you like and not like about it?   I liked the feeling of being able to serve him and please him.   Even in the beginning, he wasn’t very demanding, but making sure the things I did were what he liked.  Of course, the spankings and rope and some nipple clamps and cock worship and feeling available…   

I didn’t like when he would say he was going to do things and not follow through, or when we kept going longer and longer without playing.  I didn’t like it when it seemed like he wasn’t aware of my reactions – not in a purposeful way, not like, “I’m going to do this because I want to, girl!” kind of way.  Just like – he wasn’t really enjoying it and he wasn’t paying attention to whether I was or not but just assuming I was.

I secretly think that I did something wrong that made us lose the D/s aspect of our relationship, but I don’t know what.  That somehow it was because I wasn’t good enough.  And I also know that’s probably not true, it probably wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do.  That it wasn’t because I wasn’t “worthy.”

Have you had other D/s relationships?  I have had other D/s relationships!

Have you ever thought of yourself as a slave?  I used to sometimes, yes.  I used to sometimes think I had the heart of a slave and wanted to have a Master.   That seems so far away that I can just barely even remember what it felt like.  I don’t even guess it’s true anymore.   I’m not even sure I want a whole D/s relationship anymore, maybe I just want to play.  But yeah, I have thought that before.

Thanks so much for asking!!


Another Question Answered -from Lea

From Lea:

When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with?

Oooooh, that’s a fun question!  You know, people come to therapy because they’re unhappy with the way their lives are – or because someone else is threatening them with some kind of unpleasant consequences if they don’t come.   But often, my clients need help coming to terms with a difficult (traumatic) past that is impacting their current life, interfering with relationships, causing nightmares, anxiety, depression and the sense that their life will never be ok.   They want to be able to focus and pay attention, quit having unpredictable anger outbursts, increase their self-esteem, be more in touch with themselves, and find more joy in their lives.

Often, they come in thinking it’s not about the past trauma.  They want to believe that the things that happened in the past aren’t still bothering them.  And I can understand feeling that way.  But there’s lots of evidence that it doesn’t work like that.  The things that happen to us will keep resurfacing, presenting themselves and demanding to be dealt with again and again.  Not a straight line of recovery, but a spiral.


So therapy can become a healing journey – a long journey, and often we have to wander through hell to get to the other side, but accompanying people as they take that journey is the most rewarding thing I know of.  Does that answer the question?

Thanks for asking!!

Answering Lindy’s Questions…

Questions from Lindy (thank you very much!)

If you could live anywhere in the world where would you prefer? Money being no issue.  Oh, my – if I could live anywhere, I would not live in one place, I’d have several different homes.  I’d have a place in Where-I-Live-Now, and stay here in the spring and maybe the fall.  In the early part of the summer, I’d go to Where-I-Used-to-Live and stay til about August – then I’d head northeast and spend August along the coast in Maine or somewhere like that.  I wouldn’t own a home there, but I’d rent the same place every year.  Then in the fall, back to Where-I-Live-Now – and after Thanksgiving, off to warmer climates for a few months.  Maybe Mexico, or Belize.

I could go on for a while about what each place would be like…

What?  I didn’t win the lottery? I’m not THAT rich?  Ok, fine, then I guess I stay right where I am.   I left the place I’d lived almost all my life to move here this year, and I”m pretty happy with it so far.

What’s your favourite food you enjoy eating?   That’s a hard one!  I’m a bit of a foodie, so I have a long list of food I love.  But I guess my all-time favorite – don’t laugh – is Nacho Flavor Doritos and Dean’s French Onion Dip.  Yep.

It has sentimental value too.  That was a treat for us when I was growing up – well, once Doritos were invented.  Before that it was potato chips and dip.  Saturday, watching Bonanza with my mom and sister, chips and dip and diet coke.  Those were the days, my friend.  🙂

Thanks for the great questions!!

Also, in the Good News section of today’s blog, my kitty got to come home.  I had the appointment with the vet today, and was so afraid they were not going to be able to help him, but apparently he had a UTI and they treated it and hopefully he’ll be fine.  So yay for that!!!

AND the home inspection is done, which went really well, with no big surprises or insurmountable problems.   We should be closing on the house in the not-too-distant future – and moving.  Yikes.


Questions Answered Here

Thank you, Roz, for starting the questions!! These are two good ones.

Questions: What is your favorite movie, favorite childhood memory?

Ok, I don’t watch a lot of movies.  But my favorite movie is Heart and Souls.  I know, that’s very strange.  Here’s a description:

Heart and Souls is a 1993 American fantasy comedy-drama film directed by Ron Underwood. The film stars Robert Downey Jr. as Thomas Riley, a businessman recruited by the souls of four deceased people, his guardian angels from childhood, to help them rectify their unfinished lives, as he is the only one who can communicate with them.

You can read more about it hear: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_and_Souls if you’re interested.  This movie makes me laugh and makes me cry and I love it.  I also like musicals, from Jesus Christ Superstar to My Fair Lady and All That Jazz.   Cabaret made a huge impression on me.

Favorite childhood memory?  I grew up, for the most part, in university married student housing.  After my dad finished school, we moved out and got a house, but soon after that, my parents divorced, my mom went back to school, and we moved back to the old neighborhood (which I loved.)

The summer I was 8, my mom was trying to get a degree as quickly as she could, and I was responsible for my 4 year old sister in the mornings.  A French couple with their two kids came for the summer – they were taking classes at the university, I guess both of them.  Their older daughter, who was my age, was responsible for her younger brother in the mornings.  So we would team up in the morning to entertain and manage the younger ones, and in the afternoon, when we could, we’d slip away and play on our own without them.

Sometimes we’d roller-skate and sometimes we’d go to the playground.  There was a tree we used to climb. This is my favorite memory of her and that summer.  We’d climb this tree and it had branches so we could both settle in and just sit there for a long time.  We’d talk and talk – I think we spent a lot of time planning an imaginary tree house.  By the end of summer, we’d given the house running water, electricity and an escalator that took you up to it.  I remember her and those afternoons so vividly.

Of course in the fall she and her parents went back to France and we never saw each other again.  I still think about her from time to time and hope she grew up to live happily-ever-after, at least as much as any of us does.

Thank you for the questions, Roz!!  Stay tuned, cause I have another one from Lea coming soon, and welcome more!!

FFF – 3-2-18

It’s check in time – and I don’t really have anything good to report.  I didn’t lose weight, although I don’t know how that’s possible when I’m still eating radically differently and significantly less, but there it is.  Exercise was down, probably because I was traveling most of the week and it’s hard to exercise from a car or plane – but that’s no real excuse.

What I have done is keep moving forward on buying a house and continuing to manage a really busy time at work and a lot of travel.

I had to put my cat to sleep Monday and that was really hard.  Necessary, but still hard.  I left on Tuesday, so I don’t even know how his brother is doing.  Even though I asked MP, I get more of a behavior report from him, and this cat was always quiet and easy to live with.  So I feel like I don’t know, even though I guess he’s fine.

Update:  the cat is not ok – going to have him boarded at the vet until I get home.

Yesterday, I had a lovely visit with a dear friend here in Where-I-Used-to-Live – was going back today, but she’s not feeling up to visitors.  I’m so glad I got to see her yesterday, and hope i can tomorrow.

I have questions for March, which is super exciting, and I’m going to create a post from that, but think I will just post this pitiful check-in now.  The good news is I’m eating right.  The weight will come off eventually.  Ii am old you know.  It really does get harder.  And I’ll get back on my movement/exercise goals this week.


March Is…

… Question month!  Got any pressing questions for me?  This is the time to ask.  No question will be left unanswered.  🙂

In other non-news, i’m tired.  This morning i’m just tired of being responsible for every damn thing in my life.  That means not just my life but my family’s life.  I’m just tired.

Both MP and my realtor advised me completely wrong on something.  When I showed MP the information that let me know what he’d said was wrong, and that I was working on changing it, he said, “Ok.”  NOT “Oh, I didn’t realize…’ not “Well that’s different from what I thought,” certainly not a “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that.”  Just “ok.”

My realtor will not be less nonchalant about it, I’m sure.  And he definitely should have known.

i feel like i can’t trust the people who are supposed to be there for me.  And it’s not like this thing is a huge big deal.   Ok, it kind of is.  Both MP and my realtor told me there was no need for me to be present for the home inspection for this house I”m buying.  No need for MP to be there either.  So it was scheduled for today, and I”m out of town.  But when I read the contract?  It strongly recommends that I be there for it.  The contract says it’s essential that I be there to fully understand the report.

So fuck them both.  I’m trying to reschedule.  We’ll see.

Update:  reschedule done.  At least there’s that.  But in the back of my head are two kind of fantasies – one is of someone who is there for me in a way that takes responsibility for his share, and one is of someone who loves to spank me and control me in the bedroom.  We won’t even imagine someone who would do both.

Haha, it is like my old friend Sir Whatever I Used to Call Him used to say.  I am indeed too frigging competent for my own good.  That no longer stings the way it used to,but there is still truth in it.  Remember the time that MP said he appreciated me because I made his life easy?  Yeah same thing.

If i were not so good at taking care of every damn thing, i would not get stuck doing it all the damn time.

Ok, whine time is over, and i didn’t even have cheese to go with it.  Onward…