The Quote Challenge

I was over on Ms. Dixie Wrecked’s blog, Smiling Through the Evil, and saw that they had accepted a “Quote Challenge.”  They didn’t challenge anyone else, but when I read it, I thought, “Me, me, Call on me!!”   I love quotes – as you may have noticed!

So I took up the challenge, and then I didn’t do anything with it.  Which is kind of typical of me, honestly, as you might know.  But I didn’t forget about it!!

A day or two after i wrote about the changes in my life and how it felt, I ran across this quote:

“Butterflies are beautiful, but the process of emerging from the chrysalis and spreading your wings can hurt like fucking hell. But still, you will survive the transformation (over and over again) and you will fly. Remember this when it hurts the most. This is the metamorphosis, the going down to liquid, and the rising again. It’s no joke – but damn, it’s one hell of a journey.”
― Jeanette LeBlanc 

Don’t you love that?  It’s so frigging true…

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Like Agnostic Zetetic Says…

I was looking for quotes related to “work” and found this lovely series of quotes from Agnostic Zetetic, whom I had never heard of.   I saw this one first and it just made me laugh.

“There is a certain loveliness, I think, to performing deep cleaning in one’s underwear on a beautiful summer day.” 
― Agnostic Zetetic

And then this:

“I was not merely cleaning an oven; I was improving the world.” 

I thought, “that’s got to be a submissive person, I can’t imagine who else would feel that way!!”

The next one

“No one has the right to demand that your body be something other than what it is.” 

made me think of FFF, and I had to remind myself that for most of us, the demand to change our bodies is internal, not from someone outside ourselves.  At the same time , I thought about Bleue, and what she wrote about her post-baby body.  How much of our desire to change is really about health, and how much is external pressure?  Only each of us can know.

And then this:

“We’re not broken. We’re not in the wrong bodies. We’re not inadequate. We’re not lesser. We’re not unwanted. We’re not fraudulent. We’re not undesirable. That’s all just a set of lies we tell to soothe the experience of the prisons we put ourselves in.” 

I wondered if Agnostic Zetetic was trans, but the quote speaks to me too.  It’s about trying to manage the dialectic – that we are all perfectly fine just the way we are – and we can all be healthier, thinner, more flexible, more of whatever we aspire to.  Both of those things are true.

Then the quotes move away from bodies and into who we are on a different level:

“Even with the very best of intentions, even with the ambition of making the world a better place, when we cast judgment upon people whose lifestyles, beliefs, or predilections we dislike, we add to the emotional filth of hostility and make the world feel a little less safe for the folks we’re genuinely trying to help.” 

I find myself thinking something like this every time I see someone on FB attacking someone’s appearance or laughing at their weight – even when it’s someone I don’t respect or hold in high regard.

“May we each find in ourselves the courage we forgot we have, to see the beauty we forgot is inside us, while battling the demons we forgot we can slay, on a battlefield we forgot we can win.” 

I think i want that one on a wall hanging, or somewhere i can see it everyday.  And i want this one for so many of my clients:

“If you’re lying to everyone you know, including yourself, at every possible turn, is a little upheaval really the worst that could happen to your life right now?” 

But THIS one speaks to me directly.

“If it’s convenient to love you, you’re lying to someone about who you are or what you need.” 

I have to sit with this one for awhile.  I think there might be some home truths for me here.  I can still here MP commenting to me casually that he appreciated that I made his life so easy.  Some might think that means I’m a good submissive, but I don’t think so, not in this case.  I think it is more about the lies Agnostic Zeretic calls out here.

There are more quotes i liked but I will save them for another time.

Agnostic Zetetic does indeed appears to be a slave, and probably trans.  They once had a blog, but it’s password protected and apparently hasn’t been used since February 2015.  They’ve written one book:  Pinocchio’s First Time, which bills itself as Trans Erotica.  I can find very little about them – and am using the gender neutral “they/them” just because I don’t know what pronouns they preferred.

But the quotes don’t come from the book, which is the shortest one I’ve seen on Amazon.  So I don’t know where the quotes come from – you can find them on Goodreads quotes, but they’re not attributed to anything.  The book does have at least one quote – the last one I’ll share here.  It’s in the first few paragraphs of the book, where’s it’s quickly established that they’re tied up and being played with by someone who is “gorgeous, slender, nuanced.”  Someone who “made my brain shudder and my body follow suit.”  Then this:

“It’s for your own good, boy. Take the pain, and grow with it. You can’t be any better than you are now without some growing pains.” His voice was gentle, as though he actually had some semblance of mercy deep down inside of him. 

The promise of those words is so powerful for me.

Moving Forward

Some of my vanilla life is falling into place, or at least sweeping me up into the process.  Work is good, and I’m working on some other things that will be satisfying and interesting.

I have a friend coming to visit from Where-I-Used-to-Live in about six weeks, and the prospect of a visit in the spring from another old friend from the cyber world, so that’s exciting.  I made some real progress getting my house (apartment) back into shape, and we’re looking for a house to buy.

Sadly, i’m not talking to any of the people from fet anymore.  The Dom who was going to spank me and I have just kind of died down – we don’t seem to actually have anything to say to each other and because of work travel and other commitments, I’m not going to have a chance to get away until February.  But our email messages were pretty much about the weather for a while now.  Sigh.  I may reach out to him again in February.

The other person I’d been chatting with and I have had a disagreement and he told me he was through talking to me.  Um, that was fine.  It would periodically become clear that he still thought we were going to “get together” at some point, that I was playing  a “cat and mouse game” with him, (yes, he said that), which, you know, I was totally NOT.

Then he started talking about how much I should trust him, which amused me – this is someone I’ve never met and don’t even have a social media connection with, someone who doesn’t even have friends on fetlife that I can look at, someone I know completely from email.    Shrug.  Nope, I don’t trust him at an 8 on a scale of 1-10.  So I pointed this out and told him I trusted him about a 3.

He told me I just take things too seriously and I don’t understand him.  Lol.  It was actually kind of interesting to watch it unfold.  I’m just really grateful that I wasn’t counting on him to be my relationship.

Anyhow.

It’s Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. day today, a chilly day here in the the Sunny South.  I’m off work and still working on the house.  Here’s one of his quotes to take with you today:

“Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

Definitely This

“She did not know yet how sometimes people keep parts of themselves hidden and secret, sometimes wicked and unkind parts, but often brave or wild or colorful parts, cunning or powerful or even marvelous, beautiful parts, just locked up away at the bottom of their hearts. They do this because they are afraid of the world and of being stared at, or relied upon to do feats of bravery or boldness. And all of those brave and wild and cunning and marvelous and beautiful parts they hid away and left in the dark to grow strange mushrooms—and yes, sometimes those wicked and unkind parts, too—end up in their shadow.”

Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Fell Beneath Fairyland and Led the Revels There

And isn’t that part of what BDSM does? Expose the shadow of our selves?

Touch

It’s been a long time since i’ve been touched in a sexual or kinky way.  Years.  i guess if someone did, i might spontaneously combust and just go up in flames.

i ran across this quote today and it made me smile:

“So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.”
―Hermann Hesse,  Siddhartha

i feel like i’m too old, too flawed, to be attractive to anyone. Whether or not that’s true is not so important as feeling that way.

i start a fantasy in my head:

“I should take you to the Center for Reclamation,” he says.  

“The what?”

“It’s for submissives who’ve neglected themselves, been neglected and neglected themselves.  Like you.  They’ll whip you into shape,” he grins, “So to speak.”  

“That sounds scary,” i say, but i’m curious.

He shrugs.  “It’s purely consensual.  No one would keep you there if you wanted to leave.”

We drop the subject that night, and a couple of weeks go by before it comes up again.  We are having coffee, still dabbling with the idea of getting involved with each other.  i’m attracted to him, but the risk of getting hurt again just seems too big.  i’m too old, too tired.

i look up from my coffee to see our friend, Anna.  She smiles and makes her way to our table.  She looks relaxed and happy, almost glowing, and i think she must have fallen in love.  

We chat for a few minutes and then i say, “You look great!  What have you been up to?”

Anna looks around for a chair, pulls it closer and joins us at the table.  “The Center for Reclamation,” she whispers.  And giggles.  “That’s where I’ve been.”