Moving Forward

Some of my vanilla life is falling into place, or at least sweeping me up into the process.  Work is good, and I’m working on some other things that will be satisfying and interesting.

I have a friend coming to visit from Where-I-Used-to-Live in about six weeks, and the prospect of a visit in the spring from another old friend from the cyber world, so that’s exciting.  I made some real progress getting my house (apartment) back into shape, and we’re looking for a house to buy.

Sadly, i’m not talking to any of the people from fet anymore.  The Dom who was going to spank me and I have just kind of died down – we don’t seem to actually have anything to say to each other and because of work travel and other commitments, I’m not going to have a chance to get away until February.  But our email messages were pretty much about the weather for a while now.  Sigh.  I may reach out to him again in February.

The other person I’d been chatting with and I have had a disagreement and he told me he was through talking to me.  Um, that was fine.  It would periodically become clear that he still thought we were going to “get together” at some point, that I was playing  a “cat and mouse game” with him, (yes, he said that), which, you know, I was totally NOT.

Then he started talking about how much I should trust him, which amused me – this is someone I’ve never met and don’t even have a social media connection with, someone who doesn’t even have friends on fetlife that I can look at, someone I know completely from email.    Shrug.  Nope, I don’t trust him at an 8 on a scale of 1-10.  So I pointed this out and told him I trusted him about a 3.

He told me I just take things too seriously and I don’t understand him.  Lol.  It was actually kind of interesting to watch it unfold.  I’m just really grateful that I wasn’t counting on him to be my relationship.

Anyhow.

It’s Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. day today, a chilly day here in the the Sunny South.  I’m off work and still working on the house.  Here’s one of his quotes to take with you today:

“Everybody can be great…because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

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Definitely This

“She did not know yet how sometimes people keep parts of themselves hidden and secret, sometimes wicked and unkind parts, but often brave or wild or colorful parts, cunning or powerful or even marvelous, beautiful parts, just locked up away at the bottom of their hearts. They do this because they are afraid of the world and of being stared at, or relied upon to do feats of bravery or boldness. And all of those brave and wild and cunning and marvelous and beautiful parts they hid away and left in the dark to grow strange mushrooms—and yes, sometimes those wicked and unkind parts, too—end up in their shadow.”

Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Fell Beneath Fairyland and Led the Revels There

And isn’t that part of what BDSM does? Expose the shadow of our selves?

Touch

It’s been a long time since i’ve been touched in a sexual or kinky way.  Years.  i guess if someone did, i might spontaneously combust and just go up in flames.

i ran across this quote today and it made me smile:

“So she thoroughly taught him that one cannot take pleasure without giving pleasure, and that every gesture, every caress, every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has its secret, which brings happiness to the person who knows how to wake it. She taught him that after a celebration of love the lovers should not part without admiring each other, without being conquered or having conquered, so that neither is bleak or glutted or has the bad feeling of being used or misused.”
―Hermann Hesse,  Siddhartha

i feel like i’m too old, too flawed, to be attractive to anyone. Whether or not that’s true is not so important as feeling that way.

i start a fantasy in my head:

“I should take you to the Center for Reclamation,” he says.  

“The what?”

“It’s for submissives who’ve neglected themselves, been neglected and neglected themselves.  Like you.  They’ll whip you into shape,” he grins, “So to speak.”  

“That sounds scary,” i say, but i’m curious.

He shrugs.  “It’s purely consensual.  No one would keep you there if you wanted to leave.”

We drop the subject that night, and a couple of weeks go by before it comes up again.  We are having coffee, still dabbling with the idea of getting involved with each other.  i’m attracted to him, but the risk of getting hurt again just seems too big.  i’m too old, too tired.

i look up from my coffee to see our friend, Anna.  She smiles and makes her way to our table.  She looks relaxed and happy, almost glowing, and i think she must have fallen in love.  

We chat for a few minutes and then i say, “You look great!  What have you been up to?”

Anna looks around for a chair, pulls it closer and joins us at the table.  “The Center for Reclamation,” she whispers.  And giggles.  “That’s where I’ve been.”