Sharing stories

Sometimes i share things here just because it’s something i wouldn’t talk about anywhere else.  For example:

CN:  Dental issues

Wednesday night, i cracked a tooth.  Ok, it might be a crown, but in any case, it cracked. It didn’t come out or anything, it just cracked and any pressure on it feels like it is going to finish falling apart and that would be bad.  So you might think that i called the dentist and took off work Thursday to take care of it.

But no.  i did not do that.  i needed to go out of town for a meeting that i didn’t think i could reschedule any time soon, the tooth wasn’t bothering me, and i figured i’d get it taken care of Friday.

Only i forgot my dentist is closed on Friday.  And i didn’t want to go to an emergency dentist because they cost a fortune.  So i decided it could wait til Monday – only my dentist couldn’t actually get me in on Monday, so here it is Tuesday, and i finally have an appointment this morning.

But in the meantime, i’ve been limited to soft, easy to chew, non-crunchy food.  There’s still no pain, i just have to eat really slowly and carefully.  Even as i write this, i’m waiting for some cereal to get soggy.  (It’s Quaker Oat Squares, and i’m wondering if they’ll ever lose their crunch.)

It’s been interesting.  Apparently, i can be satisfied with much less food than i had thought and still feel good.  Apparently, when i eat slowly and carefully, i appreciate my food more.  It is, after all, a version of eating mindfully.  And apparently if i eat less – wait for it – drum roll –  i actually lose weight!!

Two or three pounds so far.

Yeah.

So there’s the silver lining to the cracked tooth or crown.  The real question is whether i can maintain the pattern, even to some extent, once my tooth is fixed. Right now, it seems easy, but once i am able to enjoy the crunch of Doritos again?  Can i sustain this life change?

Who knows?  Only time will tell…  Stay tuned as our heroine faces new challenges every day…

(P.S. Apparently Quaker Oat Squares actually never completely lose their crunch.  How can that be???)

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In Contrast

i actually have one more post of Training finished, but i’m waiting til tomorrow for that.  i can’t resist posting this:

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i saw that posted on Facebook by a lovely Dominant woman i know, and i was so delighted i just laughed out loud.

And for just a minute, i envision eating Doritos and onion dip, and going to a kink event all by myself, far away from Where-i-Live.   Not at the same time, of course.  The Doritos and dip, i could do tomorrow, the kink event would have to wait.

i’ve been thinking about my relationship with food though.  MP and i went out for dinner tonight, and had a nice meal.  i ate reasonably – a small piece of salmon, some asparagus and a baked potato.   And i would have been fine.  BUT it was free pie night!

Yes.  Free pie.

And suddenly, it was essential that i get my piece of free pie.  What the hell was that about?  i mean really.  It’s not like i couldn’t afford to buy my own damn piece of pie if that was what i wanted.  But it suddenly became important to have it.

Shrug.  Fuck it.

It wasn’t great pie, so that was sad.  But it wasn’t half bad either, and i didn’t come home and continue eating  because i felt guilty, so fuck it.  And then i saw the meme my friend posted and just laughed.

And yes, i am apparently becoming the crazy food blog lady.  Here’s what my piece of pie looked like:

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It was pretty lovely..  Not sure if it tasted as good as skinny feels – they say nothing does  – but it was a close second.

i  think that i think that if i quit indulging my food whims that i’ll be a dried up (skinny) old hag who’s no fun. But i don’t think that’s factual, i think it just feels true.   i need to find my way into a space in my head that recognizes that impulsive eating is not the only road to joy.

Oh, wait, no sex, no kink, no submission, no cigarettes, no drugs… maybe food is all that’s left.   (Not that i want cigarettes or drugs, but still…)

Ok, no, i know that’s really not the way it is.  No, it isn’t.  But somehow i get caught up in that thinking – that it’s either fun and food or no food and no fun.  And i start feeling guilty and awful for not knowing better.

Then i remember that it’s not just me struggling with this, it’s half the people in our society.  At least half.  And the media sends us really fucked up messages about food and fat because they’re all about consumerism.  So i need to step away from that crap, in my head.

i’m looking for a way out of the compulsions, right?  And really i know the way – it’s being mindful, sitting with the urge rather than acting on it.  But knowing and doing are sometimes very far apart.  If that weren’t true, the world would be a very different place.

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Sunday Check-in; 5-1-16

Whoa, another week gone by, another check-in, another general lack of any progress in any area.

Yep.

No increase in exercise, and no weight loss and i didn’t do stuff i thought about doing that would have been fun and good for me.  i did some binge eating and read two books from the Masters of The Castle series, which is a lot like candy for the brain.

i did some work stuff effectively, and dug myself out of an emotional pit that had captured me.  i was not as productive as i would have liked.  i blogged here every day, but no where else.

i felt a lot of sadness about my relationship with MP.  It’s like living with a dear friend who’s not in good health.  i love him, and don’t want to end our relationship, and i still want the things i thought we were going to have which proved elusive.  He is not able to give me those things.  A Gordian knot to untangle.

In other news – today is May 1, May Day, or Beltane.

Beltane kicks off the merry month of May, and has a long history. This fire festival is celebrated on May 1 with bonfires, Maypoles, dancing, and lots of good old fashioned sexual energy. The Celts honored the fertility of the gods with gifts and offerings, sometimes including animal or human sacrifice”.

i found so many images to share:

 

And then i saw this – suggestions of how to create your own Beltane ritual.  This is one with a focus on Honoring the Sacred Feminine with a Goddess Ritual.  It starts with decorating your altar – and i have an altar, of sorts, i just haven’t used it in a long time, and it’s not set up at all anymore and MP’s dirty clothes baskets are taking up a lot of space around it.  So i have some work to do just to get started.

In the ritual, i would start with a prayer to the Four Directions, which i have not done in a very long time.  Then i would call on the goddesses – Isis and Ishtar and others who i don’t know, adding Hecate to the list they suggest.   Hecate – goddess of journeys – is mine, the one that resonates with me, the one i follow.

The ritual goes on to name and honor the women in my life who have touched me, and that’s a long list.  Finally, naming myself and honoring the mysterious and sacred feminine that flows through me – and through you too, even if you are male, because feminine energy is within all of us.

Just thinking about doing it feels good, and i need to figure out where in this house i can carve out some space just for myself.  i have clutter and crap i need to get rid of, and MP has even more than i do.  But today i need to not get overwhelmed with doing the whole house, i just need to find some sacred space for myself.

Your sacred space is where you can

find yourself again and again.

~~ Joseph Campbell

 

 

Yesterday

Yesterday, i paid a few dollars to spend 45 minutes in a quiet place, looking at fake stars on the ceiling, listening to piped in New Age music.  Reclining in a comfy chair, tucked in with a blanket over me, i just breathed.

i was aware of my body, and sensations in my hands, my legs, my arms.  My mind drifted away, unfocused,  and i had a series of very odd – surreal – fantasies.  No  words, just sensations of being someone else.  Once it was an animal of some sort.

i think i fell asleep, or drifted into semi-consciousness after a while.  Aroused again by the sound of a Tibetan bell, signaling my session was  over, i sipped some lovely tea before leaving the cozy atmosphere of the shop.

That really centered me, and when i think back on it, it still feels good.  i’ve been wondering today if i can create something like that atmosphere at home, but i’m not seeing it.

i was really upset with my self yesterday morning.  MP had gone to the grocery the day before, and brought home some of my favorite junk food.  Salted cashews.  Doritos and onion dip.  The Doritos and dip were a childhood treat –  they taste of love and family.

i had some nuts and then some yogurt with blueberries, finally gave in to the Doritos and dip, and then i ate graham crackers with milk and was just disgusted with myself.  Oh, and  a piece of pizza left over from MP’s lunch.  In addition to a small healthy dinner.

Yeah.

So yesterday morning i woke up feeling a bit sad and hopeless.

i know he gets those things because he knows i like them – the Doritos and dip, not the nuts.  He gets the nuts because he likes them.  So sometimes i feel like the snacks are a gift for me.  A way he shows he loves me.  Of course i have to accept that gift.

Sometimes i think the snacks are an offering – an apology – a substitute for the kinky D/s relationship we’re not gonna have.   Of course I eat them.  This is what i get.

Sometimes i think the snacks are encouragement to keep gaining weight so no one else will want me.  You know, maybe not consciously, he’s not mean at all, but still.  When i think that, it makes me sad.  And i still eat them.  Cause really, what difference does it make?  Who cares?

Yesterday, i was able to remind myself that it’s my choice.  That i can take them or leave them.  The cashews, the Doritos, the dip.  i really don’t have to eat them.  Even if they mean love, even if they mean i’m doomed to be fat.  i don’t have to eat them.  And yesterday, i didn’t.

Yep, nothing kinky over here today.  Sorry.

 

 

A Story

i may have told you this story before.  If you’ve already heard it, don’t feel like you need to hear it again.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a Dom i knew.  We’ll call him Burford.  He was gruff and mean, but not really.  Really he was sweet and sensitive and i liked him a lot.

Burford used to tell me that if he were my Master, he would keep me naked all the time.  He said that otherwise, it would be too easy to forget i was a slave.  He said that i was so competent, that if he didn’t keep me naked, he would end up having me doing his taxes and a bunch of other mundane stuff and would forget that i was a slave and needed to be beaten and fucked regularly.

i understood that he meant because i’m competent, because i’m strong, it’s hard for men – even Doms – to remember that i’m submissive.  He said it in some really nice ways, he said he would get lost in the joy of being with me, and would forget i was a slave.  He was not intending to be cruel.

But it happens.  Some people think that being strong means not submissive.  i know that happens, i’ve heard people say that it’s hard to be dominant with someone who’s strong.

i think that however strong a submissive is, that equals how much they need to be dominated.  That’s all i’m saying.

But i quit talking to Burford when i got together with my partner.  My partner didn’t want me talking to him anymore – understandably – so i didn’t.

Then Sunday, when i was really mad at my partner, i emailed Burford.  i just wanted to talk to someone who knows how deep my submission runs.  Not even talk to, maybe just email or message for a little bit.  i don’t think i’ll hear back from him, i doubt if he even uses that address anymore.  And it’s probably just as well.  Really.

i am, however, still exchanging email with the guy i knew in high school.  He is vanilla, as far as i know or could imagine, and our conversations are incredibly mundane, but it makes me feel good.  That – talking to him – is what shifted my sexual energy.  Knowing that he’s interested in me in some way.   i don’t know if other people are self-sustaining that way, but i need the boost of feeling like someone might want me “that way.”

Anyhow.  That’s a thing i did, emailing Burford.  i guess i’m not sure it was a right thing to do, but i wouldn’t take it back.

 

Second day of spring

Today, i exercised.  i’m wearing clothes i like.  Having a hard boiled egg for breakfast, salad for lunch.

Today, i will do some mindfulness during the day.  I will shut down facebook while i’m working, only checking it when i take a break.  i will do either some yoga stretches or some mindful movement at the office, and i will remember to stand up once an hour and just stretch.

Today, i will begin to reconnect with my body.