Frigging Fetlife & Maudlin Musing

So, it turns out that the “Domme” who messaged me is actually not.  He’s a complete newbie who seems to be a bit confused about terms and roles and – you know, whatever.  I had not really bargained for that.  Don’t ask me why i’m still messaging with him.  He’s pretty clearly looking for a play partner and the last thing i’m interested in is getting involved with someone who has no idea what he’s doing.    (Does that sound mean?  Even if it does, it’s true.)

But i’ve realized something that’s a bit worrisome.  i feel like i’m withdrawing into my body and i don’t – i don’t want to be touched.  This is a little bit weird because i’ve often craved touch.  But the thought of it now kind of makes me recoil and pull up into myself.

MP doesn’t generally touch me, not casually, not with affection, not curled up together at night.  When he does now, it feels strange and i don’t really want him to.  This worries me.   It makes me feel dry – like an autumn leaf.  Makes me feel like i might dry up and blow away.

i was reading Living a Loving Life this morning and thinking how much i could relate to her experience with aging.  i am not liking this whole “being in my 60’s” thing nearly as much as i’d like to.  My experience of my body seems mostly unpleasant or disappointing.   I think that i probably don’t look as bad as i think i do, but there is no one here to tell me that i don’t.

MP was never one for physical compliments and if i were to tell him i feel old and ugly now, i imagine he’d say something philosophical about none of us looking like we did when we were 20.  Which is true.  It just wouldn’t be the compliment i was fishing for!  Not the reassurance i would want.

Ok, enough of this – too close to maudlin, without the alcohol to fuel it.  It makes me sad that i feel this way, but better to recognize what i feel than not.  i ran across this quote:

“We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth.”
– Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing

i don’t know why that feels so true today.  The idea of living in illusion just seems connected with the idea that it’s not what happens to us that “makes” us feel a certain way, it’s what we say to ourselves about what’s happened. I know that for the most part this is true.  The part that i can see more clearly now is how often the things we say to ourselves are built on shifting sand.  And maybe that’s ok.

Um, hope you’re having a lovely weekend!!

 

 

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Ridiculously Excited

Y’all.

So i’ve been chatting with some people on fet.  The one I told you about – Jay – is still around.  Young guy – the 26 year old – has drifted away, which is good.  There’s someone my age who might be fun, we’ll see. He went to a munch last night, so at least he’s interested in exploring.  Then there’s the old guy, I think I mentioned him before.

Anyhow.

OG, the old guy, started off talking about kinky books with me, which, really, how cool is that?  So we’ve chatted for a bit, and i end up explaining what the story is with My Partner.  I always feel bad about that – like I’ve violated his confidence and shouldn’t talk about him having health issues and not being into BDSM anymore.  But he does, and he isn’t, and if those things weren’t true, i probably wouldn’t be talking to strangers on fet in the first place.

Anyhow.

i always try to be considerate when i talk about MP and why i’m looking for some kinky fun on fet and usually people just say they’re sorry he has health issues, or they don’t address that at all.  I often feel like there should be a soundtrack with “Ruby, Don’t Take You Love to Town,” playing in the background.

So I was explaining about us getting along real (MP and I) except that, well, it’s a platonic relationship, and OG says:

He sounds like a lucky guy.

i was just taken aback for a second and then i almost cried because that was so nice to hear.

Then he says:

“If you would like a BDSM session some time without any sex I could be persuaded to do it.”

And i thought, “SWEET!”  And then, “YES!”  And then, “Hold on, Missy, don’t you jump into anything, you don’t know this person, blah, blah, blah.”  So we’re talking about the possibility.  And that’s where the ridiculous excitement comes in.  I can picture it…

 

 

Fetlife Adventures

In the last 48 hours, four people have approached me on Fetlife!!  How does that even happen?  They are all from here, or close enough.

One of them is 26 years old and wants a mistress who will fuck him with a strap-on.  Um, i’m pretty sure that’s not me.  Not seeing it.

One of them is mid-40s and describes himself as a hedonist.  He shares many pictures of himself in various macho poses, both clothed and unclothed.   He seems nice enough.  A man of few words, we exchange messages like:

Me:  Thanks for the friend request – I always enjoy chatting with like-minded people. Have you been involved in BDSM long?

Him:  Yes I have been into being kink a lifetime, but it’s hard to find people into it. I am very discrete and will always respect your privacy..

Me:  “It looks like you’re just now discovering fetlife – that’s exciting!” 

Him:  “I’ve been on and off of fetlife, there’s a lot of fakes on here. It’s hard to find real kinksters on here.”

Whatever.  Too many pictures of himself.

Then there’s another one who’s kind of cute, early 60’s, and also in the Man-of-Few-Words category.

 Him:  Hello Lady Bug How are you doing tonight. I hope we can be friends an chat . 

Me:  Hi. I’m good – how are you doing? (Actually, about to go to bed) Talk to you later?

Him:  I am Good Honey Sweet Dreams. Hugs an Kisses

Notice the non-consenual hugs an kisses at the end there.  And he has a couple of un-impressive dick pics.  No, thanks.

Finally, there’s J.   J might be interesting.  Mid-50s and can carry on a conversation.  You know, early, early days, but at least he’s fun to talk to.  So far.

But isn’t it curious how there are suddenly 4 people contacting me out of the blue all at one time?  Weird.

Also, I went back at looked at the title of this – ok, “Adventures” might be an exaggeration.  But this can be considered an adventure in my life today.  Lol.

Don’t forget Jz’s cookies and such.  And my real adventure in Very Far Away starts tomorrow.  Woohooo!!

Get Ready…

Bloggers alert – LoL 11 will be here soon!!

LoL?  Love our Lurkers!   Mark your calendar now:  November 18th and 19th are the big days.  You can read all about it here, on Hermoine’s Heart.  But in short, LoL is the time to invite all your silent readers to step out of their comfort zone and leave a comment.  i’ll be doing it, and hope you will too.

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i am in deep mourning for the country after the elections last night.  i can’t even talk about it right now – i’ve spent the day fretting about it and feeling sad. i hope that youall are doing ok.  If you’re celebrating a Trump victory – well, i don’t know what you’re thinking.  And don’t really want to hear about it either.  Not today anyhow.

And i lost 4 or 5 pounds.  Yeah, for real.  Sadly, i think i’ve also lost the ability to have a decent orgasm.  What do youall read for inspiration?

i’ve had a brief conversation with someone on fetlife.  Very brief.  It’s unfortunate that being able to have an actual conversation with someone is an actual prerequisite for me these days.  Writing three or four lines with a couple of repetitive themes (one of which is “I’m interested in exploring the lifestyle”) is just not gonna cut it.  i didn’t even bother sending him to MP – i am not interested.  Sigh…

On the other hand, i may have come across a bit flaky myself.  For example,

He writes: do you have a blog on here?

Me:  No blog on here.  (Ok, it wasn’t an actual lie, i don’t have one on fet.)

Him:  You mentioned something about blog or writings on your profile?

Me:  Lol, i totally need to change my profile – so many things have changed since i wrote it. i do have a blog, but i don’t share it with people on here for lots of reasons. My partner – my significant other – doesn’t read it either. It’s a place that i can share my thoughts and feelings without worrying about whether or not it might hurt anybody else’s feelings. Not that i’m usually mean, just honest.

Um, which now that i think about it, might be a huge turn-off all by itself.  i mean, i chattered on for a while after that, a bit about my situation, a few questions about him, ending with asking him to tell me more about himself, and got this:

Him:  I have been interested in the life style for some time- but never involved in the community for a variety of reasons.
I was I am married but separated- she is very vanilla- We have not been intimate in years- I am interested in exploring.

Sigh.  Yeah, i can see why he might not have wanted to put a bunch of energy into the conversation.   Anyhow.  He was more kinkster than Dom, according to his profile.  That’s not really gonna work for me – at least i don’t think it will.  And his profile pic was just his body, from the knees to his shoulders, wearing jeans fortunately.  But that seemed kind of – i don’t know.  i guess i didn’t like his picture.

So probably just as well that we’re done.  ROFL, this is kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?  i didn’t like his picture, i didn’t think we were a good fit, what was i doing?  But he messaged me…  i was curious.  Now i’m not.

Years ago, i had a therapist who told me (about relationships) that i did not actually have to turn over every rock i came across just to see what was there.  He said it with affection and it made me laugh, so i’ve tried to remember those words of wisdom.

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In other news, i get to spend a couple of days at the beach next week (for work, so it will be limited fun, but there will be at least two or three walks on the beach) and then i go to another beach on vacation for Thanksgiving week.  Hopefully that will help me feel a bit more centered.

i’m also hoping to get caught up on OPBs and so on.  Hope you all are well…  i miss being here.

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The Joys of Fet

As y’all may remember, i created a profile for myself on Fetlife.  While not much has been happening there, i did have this (amusing) exchange with someone calling himself “LBL4415.”  i’ve removed my website link from my profile, so i don’t feel bad  laughing about the conversation here, even if it does highlight my mean side.

LBL’s profile consists of a picture of a nice looking man, and his record of having become friends with about 6 women.  His picture actually looks familiar to me, which makes me think he might be someone i talked to on Fet a long time ago, or it’s a stock photo.  But he’s supposedly a 46 year old, living not too far from me, and he messages me this:

LBL:  Would you like to chat sometime?

Figuring he’s a man of  few words, i reply,

Sure.

LBL:  Do you happen to use yahoo or skype?

Me: (thinking that’s moving pretty quick for someone with nothing on his profile)
Oh, funny, i use Skype for work, but olivia doesn’t have an account. Your profile is about as sparse as it can be, isn’t it?

LBL:  Do you have a pic?

Me:  Lol, yeah, but not to share with you at this point. I don’t think we’re going to be friends. I don’t have any reason to believe your pic is even you. It looks like some generic stock photo. You’ve got nothing on your profile to tell me about you. And you seem mostly interested in getting a look at me. No thanks. Good luck.

LBL:  Whatever. Your pretty much par for the course on here. Basically a waste of time. Probably fat and disgusting anyway. Your definitely old.

And for some reason, that response cracked me up.  “Whatever.”  He sounds like he’s about 12.  Ok, maybe 17.  But seriously, it made me laugh.  “Basically a waste of time,” sounds just like my 20 year old nephew.

Me:  Ha, I am old anyhow. 🙂

That was the end of that, which is fine.  But as i was writing this, i googled his alias and found a picture of someone with the same name, living the same place he says he lives, only this LBL4415 is 50 years old, and (wait for it) not nearly as attractive.

Whatever.

Lol, lol, lol.