After all my fine talk about FFF, and wanting to get healthy, yesterday i binged on carbs and sugar and fat like there was no such thing as obesity or Diabetes, Type II. Yep.
I ate some healthy meals – then filled in the gaps with a vanilla milkshake with 2 shots of espresso (yes, it was delicious.) A skinny margarita. (Mmmhmmm, naming it a “skinny margarita” was a case of marketing genius. i felt virtuous drinking it.) Girl scout cookies. (Do-Si-Dos. A wise choice because i only bought that kind -my favorite kind. Trefoils are my second favorite, but when I eat those, I crave Do-Si-Dos, so that’s not really a good buy.)
I woke up this morning feeling the way I did when I used to smoke cigarettes and was trying to cut down. That morning after “oh, fuck, I overdid it again” feeling. Ugh.
I have goals about being healthy and losing weight – and some of the choices I’m making point me in the opposite direction. A little voice in my head that, after 3 or 4 “healthy” choices, says, “Oh, screw this, throw caution to the wind, you only live once, what’s life without a little deliciousness?”
And i like healthy food! It’s not like i don’t. I had a seafood omelette for breakfast that was just lovely. So why do i feel like i’m depriving myself?
If i were my own client, i would tell myself that i might want to redefine “deliciousness” with some pleasure that doesn’t involve food. Or drink. You know? Just something for me to think about.
Somehow, i need to shift my perspective so i don’t see this as depriving myself of life’s goodness but as better meeting my needs and treating myself extra well. Or something. I need to spend my wild splurges on something besides calories.