Only Two-Thirds

So if my work issues are kind of becoming resolved – which they might be – and if i can take advantage of the opportunity to work through my issues – even knowing that the organization is also fucked up – rather than leaving, then only about 2/3rds of my life is still out of synch with my self-imposed judgement of what it should be.

Hardly anything in that statement is in keeping with the zen flow that i’m looking for.  That’s ok.  i didn’t wake up til about 3 a.m. today – yes, that’s an improvement.  Don’t laugh.

Then i found this quote that speaks to me on some deep level, and maybe will to some of you too.

“The Ache That Would Not Leave

Behind the hum and routine of daily living, there lay a persistent and wild longing for something she could not easily put into words. It felt like impulsive adventures and watching the sun rise over unfamiliar mountains, or coffee in a street café, set to the background music of a foreign language. It was the smell of the ocean, with dizzying seagulls whirling in a cobalt sky; exotic foods and strange faces, in a city where no one knew her name. She wanted secrets whispered at midnight, and road trips without a map, but most of all, she ached for someone who desired to explore the mysteries that lay sleeping within her. The truly heartbreaking part was that she could feel the remaining days of her life falling away, like leaves from an autumn tree, but still this mysterious person who held the key to unlock her secrets did not arrive; they were missing, and she knew not where to find them.” 

      – John Mark Green

But that’s the stuff of fantasy, isn’t it?

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Sadness

Feeling all kinds of self-pity tonight, and this song says it all…

(lyrics at the bottom, in case you can’t play it.)

i’ve been watching webinars – 5 in the last few days, but who’s counting?  Anyhow.  The last two i watched went together, in an unplanned synchronicity  of the universe.   And here’s what i heard, in both webinars, fitting together so sweetly.

  • We resonate with each other, our heartbeats will synchronize if we’re within 25 feet of each other.
  • Emotion is energy.
  • We aren’t meant to live isolated from others – we are born neurologically wired to co-regulate ourselves rather than relying on self-regulating.

This wraps me in some kind of assurance that who i am is who i’m meant to be, and i can maybe almost get a glimpse of new paths.

Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn’t. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.  – Carlos Casteneda

Farmers plough the same fields over and over, planting new seeds.  Where i am is ok, and where i’m going is too, even if i don’t know exactly where it is.

———

Look what they’ve done to my song, Ma
Look what they’ve done to my song
Well it’s the only thing I could do half right
And it’s turning out all wrong, Ma
Look what they’ve done to my song
Look what they’ve done to my brain, Ma
Look what they’ve done to my brain
Well they picked it like a chicken bone
And I think I’m half insane, Ma
Look what they’ve done to my song
I wish I could find a good book to live in
Wish I could find a good book
Well, if I could find a real good book
I’d never have to come out and look at
What they’ve done to my song
La la la…
Look what they’ve done to my song
But maybe it’ll all be all right, Ma
Maybe it’ll all be OK
Well, if the people are buying tears
I’ll be rich some day, Ma
Look what they’ve done to my song

 

It’s ok – this too will pass.  You know.  And all that.

Lurching from one foolishness to the next

Omg, y’all, i am just now realizing that my job has been – the people at the job i have – some of the people at my job – have been interacting with me in a way that triggers deep shame for me.

This insight came to me in the middle of the night and kept me from going back to sleep til the time i usually get up.  i did get some sleep after that, so at least i’m not functioning from a totally sleep deprived brain.

i have been walking around in a stew of shame – ok, i guess you can’t walk in a stew – a sea of shame then.  No, i’ve been simmering in a pot of shame.

It made me cry last night, but i’m laughing – at least a little bit – this morning.  It is not (completely) their fault, they didn’t know they were torturing me, although they haven’t been particularly careful with me either.  Mostly, i suspect, they have not been thinking much about me, and still aren’t.

And that’s ok, they’re not my lover, not my Dom, not my family.  It’s only a problem because i forget that they’re not and i try to win approval that they can’t give me.

My first reaction, when i realized this, was “fuck them, i’m quitting, that’ll teach ’em.”  And i did take some steps, in the middle of the night, to begin creating some career options.  i’ll continue to do that too.

i think they may believe that my usefulness is coming to an end, and when they believe that, i’ll be gone.  The only difference between leaving now and then will be a severance package.  So there’s no rush to go, just a need to be prepared to do that.  Maybe i’m wrong and i’ll keep working there until i’m ready to go.

My deepest source of shame is offering the gift that is unwanted.  But the reality is that it’s my father who never saw me and never valued who i was.  No amount of acceptance at work can heal that wound, and no lack of appreciation is the same soul crushing injury.  It’s an echo of the past, only that.  It resonates, the wound throbs, but once i realize what’s happening, i can acknowledge that it’s not the same.

It’s a repeated revelation, i feel myself trudging round and round the spiral, one more time around…

top-10-spiral-heals-london-photo-by-christian-o%cc%88ser-740x490

Beyond the Mundane

My life is in flux.  Fluid, unstable, vacillating.  My relationship, my job, my plans for the future seem to be continuously changing.  Maybe that’s always the case and we just don’t realize it?

i feel like i have been living from my head, trying to stay on the path, even when the path has been a little off the beaten trail.  i have lost touch with my gut – i have acknowledged mostly those things that i can see and touch.

250px-blindfold_comics

i have been avoiding pain and suffering,  avoiding my own feelings, avoiding my self.  Burying myself in Facebook and fantasy and fluffy romance novels.  Numbing my distress and uncertainty with two glasses of wine and a bedtime shot of Amaretto.  Or the cookies, on top of chili and cornbread, with a side of chocolate candy – the fancy kind i got for Christmas – and don’t we have some ice cream?

So then the dance – the next step after this confession of flaws – is trying to control and regulate.  Limit FB, limit food, schedule exercise, work harder, focus more – mandates for the life i should be living – followed by poor compliance, self-blame, and more numbing.

mancy-running-circle

More control is not the answer, it’s not about regimenting my life.

i ran across this quote:

I have been woman
for a long time
beware my smile
I am treacherous with old magic
and the noon’s new fury
 — Audre Lorde, fromThe Black Unicorn

and somehow it speaks to me, i don’t even know why.

My life is in flux and i don’t know which way to turn.  But somewhere, deep inside me, i know that it doesn’t matter.

i went to a Buddhist service yesterday, the first actual group meditation and such i’ve been to.  For a minute, i found my perspective, took a step back and saw my struggles as just one tiny drop in the ocean of the universe.

So i was thinking this morning about discernment, thinking that i am in a process of discernment and that it is not about finding the next career move or the right relationship, that it is something else.  i googled discernment, sometimes i google like other people might read tarot cards or tea leaves, looking for deeper meaning.  And i found this phrase “discerning the transmundane.”

Now this phrase apparently applies to some kind of on-line gaming that involves Elder Scrolls and who knows what else.  Maybe i’ll dig into that some other time.

But “transmundane” is just what you think it would be.   “Reaching beyond or existing outside the physical or visible world.”  “Beyond this world or worldly consideration.”

Discerning the transmundane.

Anyhow.  i’ve been looking for the “right” answer, the “right” thing to do, to get the “right” outcome, creating the greatest possible happiness for myself and those near and dear to me.  In reality, we don’t get to do that, and if that is our focus, we may be wasting our time.  i don’t get to do that, and i may be wasting my time.

i thought about all this last night, and got up this morning to find this post on the Dreamlanddancing blog:  Why I Suffer  It is lovely, and well worth reading the whole poem.  Many parts of it speak to me, and maybe this most of all:

…Joy will come to us
just long enough
to hurt us when it goes.
There is no escape.
Only this.
Just this.
This is why
I suffer.
This is why I smile…  

Dancing in Circles

Not to be confused with dancing circles, which might be something like this:

woman_dancing_with_torah

dancing in circles is more like this:

unknown

We have just danced back through the dance we do – MP/ Sir – just danced through our steps again.  The next step for me is to feel anger and despair.  Only – i’m not going to.

i’m gonna just keep going forward with my life.

It’s all gonna be ok in the end.

If it’s not ok  —   it’s not the end.

 

Public again

i’ve gone public again.  If it looks like we’ll be involving someone else in our relationship, i’ll probably make the blog private again, but who knows if/when that might be.

In the meantime – Hi!!

Nope

We were supposed to have dinner with our potential person, but he canceled, explaining that he’s had some family issues come up and isn’t going to have time for other activities for a while.

i am pretty generally ok with that, but wonder what’s going to happen with Sir and me.  Also, i’ve had to start pushing him in some other areas of our life.  So who knows.

Anyhow.  i’m not in a major depression yet or anything.  Just updating…