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Sexually explicit and kinky content ahead. If you’re under 18, or don’t like kinky sex, please leave immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

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Yikes

Remember when y’all encouraged me to ask for my toys back?  Yeah.

So I did that.  And then it set off a reaction, a chain reaction, and suddenly – like a kaleidoscope – things are different.  With a quick turn of the wheel, from this:

images      to this            images-1

 

 

 

 

 

Just that quickly.

I had kind of forgotten that, a long time ago, back when MP was my Sir, I had given him the passwords to my fetlife profile and my olivia email.  And the link to this blog.  Gulp.

Not that I actually had anything to hide – I have not done anything wrong.  Haven’t done anything that I feel guilty about.

But that might have been hard to believe.  I talked about some stuff, for sure.  And I talked to some people.  And some of the posts I’ve done might have been hard to read.   It might have been a difficult weekend for both of us.  Ok, it was a difficult weekend.

With lots of painful conversation.  And explanations.  And more conversation.

I was really not sure where we were going to land.

But this kind of amazing thing happened.

He understood.

No, not just “he said he did.”  He really did.

He wants to try again with the D/s relationship.  Which would have just made me skeptical, but – he’s going to get some Dom coaching.   (Yes, that’s a thing!)  So that he can work through his own stuff and we’ll have a chance to really make it work.

Wow.  That made me a believer.

I want to respect his privacy, so I’ll stop there, but I think that is sooooo cool, I just about can’t stand it.

Of course, there’s no guarantees on anything and who knows where we’ll end up.  It’s taken me a little while to even begin to let myself be open to the possibilities.  It’s kind of scary – um, I’m a bit scared.

I had shut myself off from him so thoroughly.  To protect myself, you know.  To protect my heart and my submissive little soul.   (Don’t laugh, you know it’s true!)

I didn’t want to open again.  Seriously, I didn’t.

But i am.  I can feel it starting – it makes me think of the scene in The Secret Garden, after she finds the garden when she’s looking at the plants – do you know what I’m talking about?  If you’ve read that book, you might remember.  Of course I don’t have the book with me, but it’s when she’s first in the garden and she sees that flowers are starting to push up through the ground and begins to clear away the weeds that have grown up over them.  And she’s not sure she’s doing the right thing, but just feels like they need room to breathe and grow.  She’s so amazed that the flowers are still there.

I guess it sounds silly, but that’s a little bit how I feel now.  Like i can make space for feelings i’d tried to bury.  Like springtime.

Anyhow.  He’s still MP right now.  Nothing has really changed yet.  But yikes – the possibilities!!!

 

 

FFF – 5-18-18

It’s Friday again – who knew that would happen so quickly?!   My step count is looking good – 48,000 for the week, so that’s super close to my goal of 7,000/day.  Woohoo!!

The house is coming together and we have our first house guests!  They are sleeping in an actual bed in a room that doesn’t look like a warehouse.  It’s not all put together, but it’s close!!  We actually have more guests coming tonight, so we’ll have a full house.  (This falls under the heading of decluttering….)

I MIGHT have lost a pound.  Or maybe it’s just a cruel hoax perpetrated by my scale.  Hard to say.  Stay tuned.

My current guests are up and I have stuff to do getting ready for the incoming guests, so i need to go.  But here’s a quote for you to ponder:

“Change, when it comes, cracks everything open.”
~~ Dorothy Allison

Things have cracked wide open around here, and i don’t know where we’re headed or if we’ll be swallowed by the hole in the ground.  We’ll see…

 

TMI – 5-16 -on Wednesday

1. Who was your favorite cartoon character as a child?

I don’t remember a favorite cartoon character!  I’m sure I had one, just don’t remember it.  I do remember loving to watch Captain Kangaroo when I was little, and the Mickey Mouse club as I got a bit older.  The Rifleman was a favorite.

2. What makes you cry?

All kinds of things.  Sad things, happy things, and when I get real angry, sometimes I cry.  Although – I’m more likely to just tear up these days if I’m sad or happy.  I was more likely to out-and-out sob or ugly cry when i was younger.

3. What similarity between you and your significant other do you love?

MP and I both have a strong love of family and want to create a home where people feel welcome – of course, sharing the home with my daughter and grands will be different than just being open, but I deeply appreciate his willingness to do that.  And overall, it’s important to both of us that our house is a place of warmth and non-judgmental love and caring.

4. What characteristic do you admire in others that you feel you are lacking?

Oh, the ability to focus single-mindedly on one path.   Those people who knew when they were little that they wanted to be a doctor, and now they are.  They decide to learn to play guitar, and they take lessons and practice and just do it.  I’m a wanderer – I go from here to there and back and forth and gather information and skills and experience and sometimes end up where I didn’t plan to be, but it’s still just right for me.  So I don’t want to be those single focus folks, but I really admire that.

5. If you could eliminate one thing from your daily schedule, what would it be?

Hmmm.   From my daily schedule.  My schedule is pretty much self-driven, I don’t know what I’d eliminate.  Nope, can’t think of a thing.

Bonus: You can trade places with one person for a day, who would it be?

More hmmmm.  I don’t think I want to trade places with anyone, not even for a day.  Besides, if i traded places with someone, would they run my life that day?  I can’t imagine letting that happen.  Who knows what kind of mess I’d come back to.  No, thanks.  🙂

https://tmituesdayblog.wordpress.com/2018/05/14/tmi-tuesday-may-15-2018/

The Can of Worms…

Can of worms, Jack-in-the-box, Pandora’s box – pick your analogy.  Doesn’t matter.  The can is open, Jack’s out and won’t go back and the lid to the box is just standing ajar.  Sigh.

Yep, talking about the toys was the slippery slope, the gateway to hell for the conversations I’ve been avoiding for a while now.  I don’t have a lot more to say, out of respect for MP’s privacy, but feel free to note that neither of us are enjoying this process much.

I am standing firm on the patch of ground bordered by the message that his feelings are not my problem, it’s not up to me to cure them.  Getting closer now is not the solution.  He needs to work on his own stuff.  It’s not up to me.  Repeat hourly.

I think that I won’t talk about this anymore here.   I don’t think I will.

The up-side is that it’s now really clear that I want to go to munches on my own.  It came with a price, for both of us, but it is what it is.

Working on my zen…

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It’s Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers I know – whether you’re a bio mother, an adoptive mothers, a step-mother, or a just-like-a-mother Mother, hoping you’re doing something nice for yourself today.

Also this:

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(The card says:  Thinking of You and has little drawings of different bouquets of flowers.  Under each one is a phrase:  Mothers who have lost children, Those who have lost mothers, Those with strained mother relationships, Mothers with strained child relationships, Those who have chosen not to be mothers, and Those yearning to be mothers.)

 

 

FFF – 5-11

So let’s just talk about weight.  I have pretty much quit worrying about it – i continue to hover between 164 and 166.  Since i am a short person -not a “little person” as i understand people who are seriously height challenged prefer to be called – but definitely a short person.  Like 5 foot.  So i’m definitely overweight.

i used to be slender.  “Petite.” People used to tell me how petite i was.  i was” just a little-bitty thing” in an era when that was a compliment.  A big wind woulda blown me away.  I never had to worry about whether my date was going to be shorter than i was.  Not that it’s anything to worry about, but girls did back then.

Once upon a time, i weighed 95 pounds, but by the end of college,  i was “really getting fat” at 110.  So i’d limit my eating to once a day until i got back down to 100 or so.

I can remembering looking at the weight chart and seeing that 140 was the outer limit of “average” weight for my height.  I was appalled!!  ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY POUNDS!  Omg.  I commented to someone that if i weighed THAT much, i don’t even know how i’d walk.  Yep.  Skinny and stupid, i was.

But then there were the child-bearing years and pregnancy and the times of eating my children’s left-overs because there were starving children and waste not want not, plus working in a restaurant with a dessert chef who was always looking for a taster, and so on.  And sure, i might have put on a pound or two most years, but hey, that’s no big deal, um, until you figure this is 37 years later and then that’s a lot pounds.

Anyhow.  At least I’ve backed off of 172, and who knows, it could get better.  And yes, I’d be thrilled to weigh 140 now.  But my immediate goal is to walk 30 minutes after dinner every day.  Although – my sister is quick to tell me that you can’t actually exercise enough to lose weight (she read an article.)  Still, i think it’s a good goal.

And here’s the good news – I did 51,000 steps this week!  Of course that counts two days of travel with airports and connecting flights in different terminals, but still.   That’s over my goal of 7,000 steps/day.  And i just did the after dinner walk a couple of times.

The house is coming together.  Slowly but surely.  I can’t actually see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet, but I’ve got a  couple of candles lit to guide my path.

I told MP i want my toys back.  I don’t actually have them yet -he has to find the key to the bag they’re in.  But I told him.

And my project at work that I’ve been pushing to get done practically since January is done.   And it went well.  Even my boss suggested that I shouldn’t work too hard yesterday or today to take some time to recuperate.  So I’m doing that, and liking it.  Walked on the beach this morning… life is good.